Don't Like Your In-Laws? Here's What You Can Do About It

Better bonds mean better relationships with kids and grandkids.

By

Kate Stone Lombardi

 
Published August 29, 2024
illustration of couple with in-laws and daughter
Giulia Neri

Mothers-in-law have a bad reputation. How many jokes portray us as interfering, critical, overbearing know-it-alls? And do you remember the song “Mother-in-Law”? Sung by Ernie K. Doe, the lyrics included lines like, “The worse person I know,” “Sent from down below” and “If she leaves us alone, we’d have a happy home.”

This is not how I wanted to be perceived by my children’s spouses. Yet the adjustment to your kids’ partners is not always easy.

How could I have imagined that my chaotic, emotional, vegetarian daughter would marry a buttoned-up, intense military pilot? Or that my sensitive, homebody son would fall for an immigrant from Pakistan, now an attorney with cases all over the country? How would they blend in with our family?

Friction in the relationship with your son-in-law, daughter-in-law or partner-in-law is not uncommon. But it can be managed. 

“We become an in-law by a decision made by someone else,” writes Ruth Nemzoff, in Don't Roll Your Eyes: Making In-laws Into Family. “The expectation that these strangers will immediately become loving members of our clans is unrealistic. It takes years to merge a newcomer into the family.”

For starters, many parents have unconscious expectations of who their children will marry. Explore those feelings deeply, and you’ll likely realize that you were expecting someone familiar, someone … well, kind of like you. But as our society becomes more globalized, it’s increasingly likely that our in-laws will have backgrounds different from our own.

I have grown to truly love my children’s spouses, but they each came with very different notions of family. My son-in-law’s parents are divorced, and home was not always a refuge. When he was stationed abroad, he didn’t see either parent for long stretches. For him, missing holidays was no big deal. (In our family, they are sacrosanct.) My daughter-in-law, by contrast, is deeply devoted to her family.

Part of this is her Southeast Asian culture, as well as being a first-generation immigrant. The family operates more as a unit than a group of individuals. Job changes, moves, health issues — any big life decision — are discussed as a family, with everyone weighing in. My daughter-in-law and her siblings feel both enormous gratitude and responsibility towards their parents, supporting them in every way they can.

My son-in-law is not particularly emotive and wasn’t overly affectionate. Well, I’ve got him hugging now — a stiff but strong crunch — but it took a while. I used to think he just didn’t like me until I started to understand his family culture. They are far more reserved than we are. They don’t hash things out in conversation or make fun of each other. They also don't throw their arms around each other whenever they get together.

By contrast, my daughter-in-law is warm and affectionate. Yet when she first called me “mom,” I was taken aback. I’d assumed she’d call me “Kate.” I’m big into sit-down family dinners; my daughter-in-law’s family prefers to graze, with her mother ensuring that food is available all day long. Tea, on the other hand, is not just a drink but a social connection. My daughter-in-law would not dream of making herself a cup without offering to make me one.

The truth is every family has its own culture, and that holds even if your kid marries someone from the same part of the country, the same socio-economic class, the same religion and the same whatever-else-gives-you-a-sense-of-identity. Each family has its own ways of managing everything from child rearing to meals to holidays — not to mention boundaries.

Boundaries are a big issue. Daily phone check-ins may seem normal to one family and intrusive to another. Gifts are welcome in some households and interpreted as manipulative in others. Money — don’t even get me started. And by the way, when someone says, “Don’t tell anyone,” does that include your spouse?

Misunderstandings are inevitable among people who are not related by choice or by blood. (As if that prevents misunderstandings!) But fighting with your in-laws is a lose-lose proposition. You risk jeopardizing your relationship not just with that person, but also with your adult child, and possibly your grandchildren.

And, as author Ruth Nemzoff told me in an interview: “You may find your in-laws are picking out your nursing home or pulling the plug at the end of life.”

How do you manage to get along? First, accept that there will be difficult adjustments. It’s the nature of the beast. Right now, I’m struggling with the fact that my son spends far more time with his wife’s family than he does with ours. Mind you, they live close to each other, while we live across the country. It still hurts.

Not every perceived slight or difference of opinion needs to be verbalized. Even if you actively dislike your in-laws — and I know I’m lucky to love mine — do strive to take the high road.

“It calls on you to be your most adult self,” she added. “You are choosing to be silent rather than feeling silenced.”

Also, try assuming the best. Maybe your daughter-in-law is simply trying to eat healthier and not criticizing your lasagna. Maybe your son-in-law isn’t lazy — he just wants a better work/life balance after seeing his own father not having time to know his kids. Your child picked this person for a reason, so try to put some faith in that choice too.

This afternoon, I got texts from both in-laws. My daughter-in-law wanted to make sure we didn’t each buy the same gift for my son’s birthday. As always, her text was covered with multiple heart emojis. My son-in-law sent a photo of my granddaughter in a sandbox. No message, no emojis. But now I understand that the simple act of him sending it conveys warmth and affection.

In that photo, I see both my daughter's and my son-in-law’s features combined in a sweet, smiling two-year-old child’s face. And if that isn’t reason enough to get along with your in-laws, I don’t know what is.

 

Do you get along with all of your in-laws? Let us know in the comments below.

Kate Stone Lombardi is a journalist and author. For 20 years, she was a regular contributor to The New York Times. Kate’s work has also appeared in the Wall Street Journal, Time.com, Good Housekeeping, and other national publications.