This will be the first year I’ll be spending the holidays without any family. My daughter, Sasha, recently got married and will be in New Zealand on her honeymoon. The holiday break was the only time she and her (new!) husband could get enough time off work for their dream trip. We have little (okay, no) immediate family left. “What will you do?” Sasha asked, looking worried. I told her I would figure something out. I then proceeded to put it on the back burner until, well, now.
I’ve had to reinvent holiday traditions many times, as so many of us have at this stage of life. When I got married, we became a mixed-religion household, celebrating Christmas and Hanukkah. We put cloves in oranges as my husband had done growing up in Germany and my mother came over with potato pancakes. When my husband died just before my daughter turned six, we kept many of the traditions, but I learned the importance of being flexible.
My husband, daughter and I had always gone to pick out a Christmas tree together and then lugged it through New York City streets, laughing the whole way. The first Christmas after he died, I spent sleepless nights worrying about how on earth Sasha and I would get the tree home without him. I was so determined to recreate exactly what we had done before that it didn’t occur to me that the Christmas tree place delivered. I would have spared myself so much anguish if I realized that while tradition is a wonderful thing, being solutions-oriented and creative can not only help ward off stress, it can lessen the chance of falling prey to holiday blues.
As years passed, I’ve learned that lesson over and over again. Just before the pandemic hit, my mother and brother died. Friends moved away. Sheesh, maybe I need to hit pause here. If you didn’t have the holiday blues before, you might after reading all that. I’m fine — really! More than fine, blessed with great friends. If the pandemic taught us anything, it’s that we all must find new ways to connect, celebrate and find joy in what we have rather than lament what we don’t.
Here are five ways I’ve discovered to beat the holiday blues.
1. Don’t believe everything you see.
Despite how it might seem on social media, no one has a perfect holiday. Yes, someone else’s family may look idyllic, their gathering brilliant, their table beautifully set. You know what you don’t see? The fights that happened in the kitchen, the overcooked roast, the spilled wine or the people who couldn’t be there. After all, no one posts pictures of themselves sniffling in bed.
The first tip to avoid holiday blues is to remember the adage: Compare and despair. Don’t hold your life up to a false image of what you think it should look like. Remember, instead, to be grateful for what you do have. My habit: Count three things every night before I go to sleep, no matter how small or large, from a roof over my head to a call with a friend. Oh, and stop scrolling!
2: Don’t assume you have to do everything exactly as you used to do it.